Attachment theory helps explain how we connect with others, especially in close relationships. Originally developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, the framework has been deepened by contemporary thinkers such as Daniel Siegel. At its core, attachment describes the ways we seek safety, comfort, and connection with important people in our lives.

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When we are young, our caregivers shape how we experience closeness.

Consistent, attuned caregiving fosters what is known as secure attachment—a foundation that allows us to explore the world with confidence and return to relationships for support. When caregiving is unpredictable, unavailable, or overwhelming, children may adapt by developing insecure attachment patterns. These patterns are not signs of something “wrong” with us, but rather strategies that once helped us cope with our environment.

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Our brain is shaped by relationships and that early experiences of safety or stress become wired into the nervous system.

• Secure attachment supports integration in the brain, meaning different parts work together smoothly.

• Insecure attachment can create difficulties in regulation, leading to challenges such as heightened anxiety, withdrawal, or conflict in relationships.

 

As adults, attachment patterns show up in how we respond to closeness, conflict, and vulnerability.

Someone with secure attachment may find it easier to communicate needs directly and trust that they will be met. Those with anxious attachment may feel preoccupied with fears of rejection and thus over-reach in relationships, while those with avoidant attachment may rely on self-sufficiency and find it difficult to turn to others for help. Many people experience a combination of both, which can feel confusing or contradictory.

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Attachment is not fixed.

Siegel and others highlight the concept of “earned secure attachment,” which means that through supportive relationships, therapy, and intentional self-reflection, people can move toward a more secure way of relating. This process does not erase the past, but it helps create new experiences of safety and connection that gradually reshape how we approach relationships.

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Understanding attachment provides a useful starting point for therapy. By noticing patterns and exploring their origins, we begin to develop new ways of connecting that feel more balanced and authentic.

 

The aim is not for a "perfect" sense of security but for greater flexibility, leading to the ability to navigate closeness and inter-dependence with more ease, and to build relationships that feel both safe and fulfilling.

 

Go Deeper: Recommended Reading

• Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller — a straightforward guide to recognizing your attachment style and how it shows up in dating and relationships.

• The Neurobiology of We by Daniel J. Siegel — a deeper dive into how attachment and relationships shape brain development across the lifespan.

• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson — focuses on the science of love and how couples can strengthen emotional bonds.

• Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin — offers practical strategies for partners to create safety and connection in everyday life.

 

How Therapy Can Help

In therapy we explore both past and present experiences to help you understand your patterns of attachment with curiosity rather than judgment. Together we can:

• Identify how past experiences influence present relationships

• Strengthen your ability to regulate emotions

• Learn the skills required for new ways of connecting that feel secure and fulfilling.

 

If you are ready to begin this process, Book a Consultation to move toward the kind of relationships you want to build.

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